While I have no doubt that it is the will of God for Scott and Katie Beirwalts to welcome Andris into their family as their son, that realization doesn't make the pain any less. I watched a scared and quiet boy begin to accept love. A boy who would hoard his belongings on the top of his dresser and stand guarded when anyone walked near, began to place his favorite yellow blanket on the arm of the couch and his toothbrush in the bathroom with the rest of the familys'. He began to trust. Finally, he began to love. He became a part of our family, and now he is gone. I put a huge part of my heart on a plane to Latvia and it is not God's plan for me to be the one to bring it back.
Not many people understand the extent of my sadness. After all, Andris was only here with us for 4 weeks, and we did accomplish what we set out to accomplish. It's time to celebrate, right? It feels a lot like when those people who have never had a miscarriage try to make you feel better by saying that God probably knew there was something wrong with the baby. Or, they make light of your pain by pointing out that at least the miscarriage happened early on in the pregnancy - like you love your baby any less just because she was younger. I love Andris like he is my own son. I am thrilled about the family that will be adopting him - I couldn't have hand picked better people for him. I am in awe at the way God orchestrated every detail of his visit here, and continues to work miracles in the adoption process. Still, in spite of everything my head knows, my heart is still aching. My couch is painfully empty. Our lives are forever changed.
