Not where I thought I was...

So, I guess I'm not very good at dealing with my true feelings. Over the past month and a half I thought I was dealing with everything pretty well. It hurt, but I was ok. I realize now that I have thrown my energy at everything I possibly could. I haven't let my mind slow down to actually experience the pain. I have learned a lot and grown up a lot, but I'm not over the pain at all. I don't think I've even begun to get over the pain.

A quote that really hit home

"An evidence that our will has been broken is that we begin to thank God for what once seemed so bitter." ~ Nancy Leigh DeMoss

One Month

Today marks one month from the day we lost our sweet Mercy. My biggest fear was that I was going to miss the lesson that I was supposed to have learned from my miscarriage and have my baby's death be in vain. I'm not sure if I've learned one specific lesson (yet), but my faith has grown in ways I never could have imagined. God was able to sustain me through one of the worst trials of my life. I felt the pain, and still do, but through it all I am able to put my trust in God. This is nothing short of a miracle - it is nothing that I have done myself. I know that in my human state, blaming God and becoming bitter would be the easiest things to do. Surprisingly though, God has held me close and kept me from those feelings. He has given me a renewed vision of who He is.

A day or so after my miscarriage I saw a post on facebook about an orphan hosting program. Orphan hosting is something that I have been interested in for a while, but never pursued. This time, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the pictures. I was a mother who was missing a child, and these were children who were missing a mother. It just seemed to fit. After looking into the program I found that it was very expensive to host an orphan. Feeling disappointed, I talked with Frank and decided to attend the informational meeting anyway with hopes of hosting this coming summer. I began to think that maybe my miscarriage had occurred so that we would be available to host this summer. The orphans were to arrive in the US very close to what would have been my due date. At the meeting, I gathered information and told the organizers of our desire to host in the summer. "We'd love to host for Christmas," I said " but we really need extra time to raise money. With that, I went home to relay what I had learned to Frank.

Several days later, I received an email from the director of the program. She had picked 21 children whom she believed REALLY needed to be hosted this Christmas. Frank and I both looked through the descriptions and photos and didn't say much to each other about it. The next night we found ourselves looking through the photos yet again. At the same time we both looked at each other and said, "We need to do this!" In the next few minutes, we realized that we were both feeling called to host the same sibling group, Vilnis and Natalija. Along with this realization came the realization that we had 45 days to raise $6000. Despite how impossible that sounded, we both had a peace that if God wanted us to host these children, he would somehow provide the funds.

Over the next 2 weeks we sent out letters, talked with our church, and called local businesses about fundraisers. Things weren't looking too promising. We had a few days left to raise $1100, and the jar on our mantle holding funds for "the kids", as our children now fondly referred to them, was holding a mere $113.00. We went to bed that night rather discouraged, and Frank prayed that the Lord would make clear to us what we should do. The next morning Vilnis and Natalija were on the list of children with a scholarship! Someone had donated $1500 toward their hosting! We were so thrilled, and I began to call our coordinator to put them on hold. I tried calling several times that day before and after lunch, on the way to dance, and during dance class. When I got home and looked at the children's pictures again, Vilnis and Natalija had been placed on hold. I was SO very disappointed. I spent the next few hours crying and praying. It was amazing how attached I had gotten to just the picture of those children. When Frank got home I watched him go through the same process. We were essentially in mourning. It may sound silly, but losing the opportunity to host those children was devastating!

Throughout the next few days we looked through the pages of children's faces. Though we wanted to help, we didn't feel the same for any of them that we had for Vilnis and Natalija. We felt confused about what direction we should take. What was God trying to teach us in all of this? Obviously it wasn't his will for us to host Vilnis and Natalija, but what WAS His will?

The first child that stood out to us was one of a 14 year old boy. He also had a $1000 scholarship that would help out immensely. We inquired about Slavic, and the director told us that he was a great boy but he might go through nicotene withdrawal. We weren't expecting that at all, and the thought scared us off. We began to search for younger children. After all, what did we know about taking care of and entertaining a teenager?? I found several possibilities, but as Frank and I talked about it, we watched the words "ON HOLD" show up under each child - immediately after we would start discussing them. We went to bed with about 7 different face swimming in our minds.

The next day was busy, and I didn't get to check the listing until 2:00 that afternoon. EVERY single child that we had even remotely considered as a possibility had been put on hold except for Slavic. In my inbox, I had an email from the director, "Could she help us in any way?" I emailed her back that she should put Slavic on hold for us. I felt that God was trying to tell us to trust Him and not run from what we saw as a difficult situation.

Later on that evening, I found another email in my inbox. There was another family interested in not only hosting Slavic, but also adopting him. Because of my age, we would not have been eligible to adopt a 14 year old, so the director was wondering if we would mind if the other family hosted Slavic. She did have another suggestion for us though. Andry was a 15 year old who liked kids, animals, and wanted to decorate a Christmas tree. At this point, we felt that we were just following the Lord's lead. It wasn't about which child we felt we were equipped to handle, it was about which child He thought belonged with us. We accepted the director's recommendation and Andry is now "ON HOLD" for the Aiken family! We really couldn't be more excited! In her most recent email, the director wrote, "God does use all things for His good. We will choose to trust that He is in control of this placement, too. Thank you so much for trusting Him." And now we will trust Him to provide for Andry's travel and document expenses. One month to go!

So, one month from Mercy's death, and I have had my faith tested several more times. I don't know what is in store for us, but I feel so much stronger in my relationship with Christ that I'm sure He will be there to help me handle it!