Perfect Timing

One of the mornings after my miscarriage I was sorting things out in my mind and talking in my head to God. "God, I know that this was your will, but it was going to be so great! I've always wanted to have a baby in May, and Mandy (my best friend) is pregnant at the same time. It's something we'd always talked about. It was just such perfect timing!" I felt God's response so clearly that it almost echoed in the bathroom where I was getting ready. "My plans for you are perfect, not your own." Even though it's hard to accept, it's so true! It doesn't make the pain any less, but it does somehow make the loss easier to accept. My God has a plan in this - it's not something that I understand yet, but I will. I may never know the exact reason, but whatever it is, I can rest in the fact that it's a perfect one.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Why Mercy?

Throughout my next few blog posts you're going to hear me say that God told me things. I have to admit to being a skeptic up until this point. I know that God speaks in a still small voice. I've always gone to him and prayed that He would help me make good decisions. Still, I've never had God specifically, almost audibly, tell me things until these past few weeks.

When I first thought that I was miscarrying, I called my midwife to ask questions and talk about what was happening. When I described my symptoms, she told me that what I was currently experiencing would definitely get more intense and more painful before it was all over. I waited for two days for this intense pain to begin, then realized that the worst was definitely over and the physical pain and difficult time that I had been expecting wasn't going to come. At that time I though, "I am so grateful that God showed me mercy in my time of sorrow." He provided relief from physical suffering when I was so overcome with emotional pain that I didn't know how I would handle anything more.

Mercy was again brought to my attention in a song. God often speaks to my heart with music, and this time He used "Blessing" by Laura Story. The first line of the song says

"We pray for blessings, We pray for peace."

Peace was the first thing that I had thought to pray for, so it caught my attention and I began to listen to the rest of the words.

"What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise"

I'm still unraveling what this means to me, but I began to wonder - Is this really an event that I can be thankful for? Is God's compassion being manifested in what I now see as such an awful event? I definitely do have a thirst for things beyond this life that I never had before. I have a child in heaven that I am so excited to one day meet. That thought alone makes heaven feel so much closer and God seem so much more real in my life.

I began to search for a gender neutral name that meant "mercy" or "merciful". One of my first points of sadness when contemplating my miscarriage was that I would never be able to know if my baby was a boy or a girl. How could I connect with and name a baby when I didn't even know the gender? One evening I was kind of talking to myself in my head (yes, I do that a lot when Frank isn't home in the evenings) and I referred to the baby as "she". I stopped in my tracks...thoughts?...and I almost heard God tell me out loud that my baby was a girl. Since then, I have referred to the baby in my own thoughts as 'Mercy'. Then, in church this morning we sang "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and it solidified the name choice in my mind.

"Streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise."

It may seem like a stretch or a bit silly, but I felt like God was letting me know that he remembered my little girl and that His mercy that I felt at the time of my miscarriage wasn't a single event, but an ongoing stream that I can always count on and praise Him for.

Mercy

Psalm 145:9
The Lord is good to all, And His tender mercies are over all His works.

It's not always easy to understand why God allows us to go through trials. I was expecting our 5th child, and two weeks ago we lost the baby. The flood of emotions that came over me the first few hours after realizing that I was miscarrying was overwhelming. It was so fast, powerful, and hurtful that I can't really even begin to put it into words. I was drowning in feelings of confusion, guilt, and isolation. I was losing a child that I hadn't even begun to get to know. This child that I was supposed to be taking care of and giving a safe home to hadn't lived more than 7 weeks. What had I done wrong? I slept through two days trying to avoid the pain, but as I laid in bed I prayed. At first I didn't even know what to pray for, I was just in silent communication with God. Then, I started praying for peace. When I first felt the peace that I was looking for, I thought that I had this peace because my baby was going to be okay. In reality, I experienced "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding". Despite the fact that my baby had died, I still felt at peace. This is not to say that I was happy or even that I wasn't devastated beyond belief, just that the peace of God transcended my deepest pain and sorrow.

Over time, I hope to share what God has been doing in my heart and life as a result of our loss. For now though, I would like to memorialize my sweet little baby.

Mercy Amanda Aiken
October 1, 2011
Her life was brief, but the effect was beautiful.