Sorrow

I don't think anyone understands the amount of grief that our family has been through in the past 2 years.  First of all, no one knows about Mercy.  I'm not sure why I kept that a secret, but I just felt like it was too private and special to share.  Soon after that, we had to say goodbye to Andris.  Now, we just had to send Sabine back home to her orphanage.

No one understands just how much we love Andris.  How desperately we wished that he could be our son.  We felt like he was our son, but we know that God obviously had different plans.  Everyone assumes that we are all fine and wonderful now that Andris has found a family and has been adopted.  Yes, we are so thrilled that Andris has a family!  We are AWED by the amazing God we serve and the amazing way that he orchestrated his plan for Andris' life.  We couldn't have hand picked a better family for Andris!  Still, the part that no one understands is that we miss him.  Our family doesn't even understand how much we are hurting.  They don't understand why we are sad.  We want to be a part of his life, but we don't know what that should look like.  Andris just told me on facebook that he is going to be baptized tomorrow.  I am so happy about that!  I'm also very sad that we didn't know that he had accepted Christ as his Savior.  I feel left out and sad that no one thought to tell us that he is getting baptized tomorrow.  The fact that no one understands the depth of the pain that we have experienced is so evident.

We are still missing Sabine.  Little things remind us of her.  Thankfully, we get to talk to her on Skype and facebook a lot.  She let me know that she really appreciates everything our family did for her.  She cares about us and misses us, however she does not wish to come back for Christmas hosting.  She wants to have new experiences with a new family in the US.  She also let me know that she really thinks that we need to host her friend, Samanta.  Samanta is not living in an orphanage, but her mother has died and her father is an alcoholic.  Sabine says this about her "she want to be in a family who loves her and also she want to get to know you, + learn better english experience, and she likes kids too
Ok, i know it was hard for you my dear, and i am still reqally sorry for what i did!  but just believe me, she is not that scary like i was ! she is a little bit different jenna! samanta loves you already, i just hope that you could host her this winter, i know like you said it is hard cause of money, but i just wish that there would be a oppurtunity her to came and wisit you jenna! she will obey you respect, you and she really will be the best of the best and you will never be sorry about what you did i promise"

 I have to admit that I am scared!  I don't want to be hurt again.  I am ready for an emotional break...some painless rest!!  I also realize that God has been clearly leading us down the paths that he has for our lives.  We are praying about whether this is the next direction He would like us to take.  A HUGE part of me says that this is crazy, but I also have a feeling deep inside that this just might be our next step...

Isaiah 55:8-9: “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’” declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thought than your thoughts.’”

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:” Philippians 1:6

"Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." Heb: 12:2
               

The Star

When we named Mercy, I tried to think of a symbol that would remind me of her.  After a lot of thinking, I chose a shooting star.  I now wear a necklace almost every day with a little silver star on it that reminds me of her.  I chose the shooting star because of it's brief but beautiful appearance.  I also thought it was neat that she was the fifth child-completing the 5 points of a star.

When I lost Mercy, I asked why.  I know it's not really a question that we as humans have the right to ask of God, but I did.  I could be ok with it if I just knew why.  I realize that God didn't owe me an explanation, but I feel like He has, and continues, to answer me. I have written that Andris was adopted because of our loss of Mercy.  It is so clear to me that God used this experience in our life to get us involved with New Horizons and later, introduce Providence Church to the program.

I watch the ups and downs, the twists and turns, the heartache and joy that have occurred since Providence Church has had members involved in hosting.  I can't help but think of it as a domino effect--beginning with my little Mercy.

During my work with New Horizons, I have been made aware of a poem about starfish.

I love how my Mercy's star symbol is combined with the purpose I believe God had for her life.  Her life was just the beginning of a long list of orphans who have been shown love, learned about God, and found families...one at at time.

Andris

Sabine 

Artjoms 

Janis 

Madars 

Anna

Another Goodbye

Here we are again, another May 26th.  Today I lost another piece of my heart.  I haven't written, but we have had another member in our family all year.  Sabine came to stay in June of last year.  She was a much bigger challenge than anyone expected, but still we love her so much.  I can only hope that the time she spent with us has helped her in some way.  Today, I put her on a plane back to Latvia.  I sit here tracking her flight...watching the plane graphic get farther and farther away from us.  The plane is taking Sabine back to a life in an orphanage.  I can't even fathom having to go back to that life after living with the love of family and friends for an entire year.  It hurts me to think of her going to bed alone.  I'm scared of the influences she will face and the opportunities she will be given.  I'm worried about her future.  I feel so helpless.

Today

I am an emotional wreck today.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but more of a reflective sappy way.

• My little brother broke up with his girlfriend and he's a mess.  I hate that I don't know what to do for him. 
•  Andris' birthday is in a few days and I miss him so much. He is coming home to his new family in a few short weeks.  
• I just looked through some wedding pictures of a classmate of Holly's.  Makes me crazy to even think about Holly growing up like that.
• I'm sitting here now trying to write a letter to my dad for his 60th birthday scrapbook.  Thinking back over the last 30 years with my dad is amazing.  He is the best man I know.
• And of course, it's Mercy's due date.  I'm not even sure what to do with that right now.

All of these things together, added to the stress I'm feeling about trying to get Sabine's student visa paperwork finished before the deadline, has me tearing up at the drop of a hat.  I think it's a good thing though.  A few years ago, nothing would have gotten to me like this.  God has softened my heart to be able to feel emotions, understand and care about the needs of others, and be extremely grateful for everything in my life.

It's almost time

May is here.  This was supposed to be Mercy's birth month.  We're getting closer to the day that I'm trying not to think about, but dreading just the same.  Mercy's due date.  How do I even begin to mourn the loss of significance this day now has.  Instead of welcoming a new baby, we will be...well, I have no idea.  Nothing special.  We will go about our normal lives and no one will even know about the excruciating pain I am feeling.

I am also dreading the coming of the end of May because that is when Andris will turn 16.  Just a few days after Mercy's due date, on May 29th, Andris will become unadoptable.  His new family finished their paperwork in record time and they are just waiting for a referral.  If that referral comes before Andris turns 16, then his age won't be an issue.  If not, then Andris will be sent from his orphanage to live in a transitional home.  If they do not receive a referral in the next 28 days, he will not be coming home.

This thought terrifies me.  The more I learn about orphans in Eastern Europe, the more I realize how bleak their futures are and how terrible their lives.  I have rested in the thought that because of Mercy's death, Andris was being saved from this existence.  If he does not get to come home, then what was the purpose of losing Mercy?  I can't believe that God would open doors, arrange meetings, and disable vehicles just to result in running out of time.  I have to trust that God has his perfect timing and loves Andris just as much as I do.  

Trusting

I think this is the new theme of my life. I am a planner and lately nothing has been going according to plan - at least not MY plan. If you remember, we were raising money to host Vilnis and Natalija. God had other plans. We were planning to take Andris to PA for Christmas. God knew that we needed to be at a Christmas Eve service in Denver, NC so that Andris could shake the hand of Scott Beierwalts. I love Andris and want him to be my son forever, but God has provided another family to adopt him.

While I have no doubt that it is the will of God for Scott and Katie Beirwalts to welcome Andris into their family as their son, that realization doesn't make the pain any less. I watched a scared and quiet boy begin to accept love. A boy who would hoard his belongings on the top of his dresser and stand guarded when anyone walked near, began to place his favorite yellow blanket on the arm of the couch and his toothbrush in the bathroom with the rest of the familys'. He began to trust. Finally, he began to love. He became a part of our family, and now he is gone. I put a huge part of my heart on a plane to Latvia and it is not God's plan for me to be the one to bring it back.

Not many people understand the extent of my sadness. After all, Andris was only here with us for 4 weeks, and we did accomplish what we set out to accomplish. It's time to celebrate, right? It feels a lot like when those people who have never had a miscarriage try to make you feel better by saying that God probably knew there was something wrong with the baby. Or, they make light of your pain by pointing out that at least the miscarriage happened early on in the pregnancy - like you love your baby any less just because she was younger. I love Andris like he is my own son. I am thrilled about the family that will be adopting him - I couldn't have hand picked better people for him. I am in awe at the way God orchestrated every detail of his visit here, and continues to work miracles in the adoption process. Still, in spite of everything my head knows, my heart is still aching. My couch is painfully empty. Our lives are forever changed.

Feels Like a Family

Since that first night at the airport, Andris has become a different child. Monday was one of the most difficult days I could ever imagine. Andris didn't understand much of anything I was trying to say to him and didn't seem to be making much of an effort to try. He didn't eat much and didn't want to do much of anything with the family. I was so emotionally exhausted when Frank got home from work. I really wanted to make Andris feel loved, and I didn't want to fail the whole purpose of him coming here.

Frank got home and started to get the Christmas tree out to put up. Andris had written in his bio that he would like to help decorate a Christmas tree, so we waited until he got here to put ours up. Slowly, as we arranged branches, Andris began to help. He started to smile a little bit and helped Lily hang her ornaments. Frank and I just sat back and watched as the kids began to interact with each other and complete the tree decorating.

Before bed, Frank brought out the Lego Toy Shop for the boys to start building. Andris happily joined in and we watched as Lego bricks broke the language barrier.

Tuesday morning came and it was time to take Andris to the dentist. We used google translate to explain what was going to happen as best we could. I was so nervous that he would have cavities and he would be in pain and it would hinder his ability to trust us. I prayed the entire way to the dentist that the Lord would heal every hole in his teeth and make his dental visit easy and comfortable. Amazingly, he had NO cavities. I think I was more proud to hear that than even if he had been my own son! While I was waiting with him in the exam room, he started to communicate with me just a little bit. On the way home, we dropped Frank off at work. Frank hugged each of the kids, including Andris, before he left the van. Andris' smile was beautiful!

At home, we had lunch and then went outside to play. Andris mentioned that he would like to play futbol. We searched for our soccer ball but couldn't find one so we loaded up in the van to go to WalMart. Andris didn't want to leave the store right away, but he was clearly overwhelmed by how much stuff was in the store. When we passed the shoe department, I helped him pick out a pair of shoes. He was so excited and grateful! When we got back to the van he told me thank you. From that moment on, he was a different child! He tried to talk with me, he played with the kids, and he had a constant smile on his face. We spent the rest of the afternoon outside playing soccer and playing on the playground.

After dinner, I used google translate to tell him that all of the kids were going to shower and get ready for bed. Then we would build some more of the Toy Shop. He took the computer and began to type. "Or I could show you things on the computer websites" was the translation. I figured this was just a ploy to get out of taking a shower, and in training they had told us not to let the kids on their "MySpace" equivalent websites. I couldn't tell him no though, he had finally started to open up and "talk" (type) to me. I handed over the computer and he went directly to this MySpace site. I didn't know what he wanted to do, but then he went to his picture gallery. He showed my pictures of his mom, dad, brother, and sisters. He told me all about where the all were and that his mom had died when he was 2 years old. What a heartbreaking story, and what a breakthrough! We sat close together for the next 2 hours as he showed us pictures of his teachers, friends, school, and his grades.

This has been such an amazing day! I can't wait to see how Andris fits in with our family. After only 2 days I can't imagine him ever not being here. The day he leaves is going to be the single most difficult day of my life.