Sorrow

I don't think anyone understands the amount of grief that our family has been through in the past 2 years.  First of all, no one knows about Mercy.  I'm not sure why I kept that a secret, but I just felt like it was too private and special to share.  Soon after that, we had to say goodbye to Andris.  Now, we just had to send Sabine back home to her orphanage.

No one understands just how much we love Andris.  How desperately we wished that he could be our son.  We felt like he was our son, but we know that God obviously had different plans.  Everyone assumes that we are all fine and wonderful now that Andris has found a family and has been adopted.  Yes, we are so thrilled that Andris has a family!  We are AWED by the amazing God we serve and the amazing way that he orchestrated his plan for Andris' life.  We couldn't have hand picked a better family for Andris!  Still, the part that no one understands is that we miss him.  Our family doesn't even understand how much we are hurting.  They don't understand why we are sad.  We want to be a part of his life, but we don't know what that should look like.  Andris just told me on facebook that he is going to be baptized tomorrow.  I am so happy about that!  I'm also very sad that we didn't know that he had accepted Christ as his Savior.  I feel left out and sad that no one thought to tell us that he is getting baptized tomorrow.  The fact that no one understands the depth of the pain that we have experienced is so evident.

We are still missing Sabine.  Little things remind us of her.  Thankfully, we get to talk to her on Skype and facebook a lot.  She let me know that she really appreciates everything our family did for her.  She cares about us and misses us, however she does not wish to come back for Christmas hosting.  She wants to have new experiences with a new family in the US.  She also let me know that she really thinks that we need to host her friend, Samanta.  Samanta is not living in an orphanage, but her mother has died and her father is an alcoholic.  Sabine says this about her "she want to be in a family who loves her and also she want to get to know you, + learn better english experience, and she likes kids too
Ok, i know it was hard for you my dear, and i am still reqally sorry for what i did!  but just believe me, she is not that scary like i was ! she is a little bit different jenna! samanta loves you already, i just hope that you could host her this winter, i know like you said it is hard cause of money, but i just wish that there would be a oppurtunity her to came and wisit you jenna! she will obey you respect, you and she really will be the best of the best and you will never be sorry about what you did i promise"

 I have to admit that I am scared!  I don't want to be hurt again.  I am ready for an emotional break...some painless rest!!  I also realize that God has been clearly leading us down the paths that he has for our lives.  We are praying about whether this is the next direction He would like us to take.  A HUGE part of me says that this is crazy, but I also have a feeling deep inside that this just might be our next step...

Isaiah 55:8-9: “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’” declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thought than your thoughts.’”

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:” Philippians 1:6

"Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." Heb: 12:2
               

The Star

When we named Mercy, I tried to think of a symbol that would remind me of her.  After a lot of thinking, I chose a shooting star.  I now wear a necklace almost every day with a little silver star on it that reminds me of her.  I chose the shooting star because of it's brief but beautiful appearance.  I also thought it was neat that she was the fifth child-completing the 5 points of a star.

When I lost Mercy, I asked why.  I know it's not really a question that we as humans have the right to ask of God, but I did.  I could be ok with it if I just knew why.  I realize that God didn't owe me an explanation, but I feel like He has, and continues, to answer me. I have written that Andris was adopted because of our loss of Mercy.  It is so clear to me that God used this experience in our life to get us involved with New Horizons and later, introduce Providence Church to the program.

I watch the ups and downs, the twists and turns, the heartache and joy that have occurred since Providence Church has had members involved in hosting.  I can't help but think of it as a domino effect--beginning with my little Mercy.

During my work with New Horizons, I have been made aware of a poem about starfish.

I love how my Mercy's star symbol is combined with the purpose I believe God had for her life.  Her life was just the beginning of a long list of orphans who have been shown love, learned about God, and found families...one at at time.

Andris

Sabine 

Artjoms 

Janis 

Madars 

Anna

Another Goodbye

Here we are again, another May 26th.  Today I lost another piece of my heart.  I haven't written, but we have had another member in our family all year.  Sabine came to stay in June of last year.  She was a much bigger challenge than anyone expected, but still we love her so much.  I can only hope that the time she spent with us has helped her in some way.  Today, I put her on a plane back to Latvia.  I sit here tracking her flight...watching the plane graphic get farther and farther away from us.  The plane is taking Sabine back to a life in an orphanage.  I can't even fathom having to go back to that life after living with the love of family and friends for an entire year.  It hurts me to think of her going to bed alone.  I'm scared of the influences she will face and the opportunities she will be given.  I'm worried about her future.  I feel so helpless.

Today

I am an emotional wreck today.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but more of a reflective sappy way.

• My little brother broke up with his girlfriend and he's a mess.  I hate that I don't know what to do for him. 
•  Andris' birthday is in a few days and I miss him so much. He is coming home to his new family in a few short weeks.  
• I just looked through some wedding pictures of a classmate of Holly's.  Makes me crazy to even think about Holly growing up like that.
• I'm sitting here now trying to write a letter to my dad for his 60th birthday scrapbook.  Thinking back over the last 30 years with my dad is amazing.  He is the best man I know.
• And of course, it's Mercy's due date.  I'm not even sure what to do with that right now.

All of these things together, added to the stress I'm feeling about trying to get Sabine's student visa paperwork finished before the deadline, has me tearing up at the drop of a hat.  I think it's a good thing though.  A few years ago, nothing would have gotten to me like this.  God has softened my heart to be able to feel emotions, understand and care about the needs of others, and be extremely grateful for everything in my life.

It's almost time

May is here.  This was supposed to be Mercy's birth month.  We're getting closer to the day that I'm trying not to think about, but dreading just the same.  Mercy's due date.  How do I even begin to mourn the loss of significance this day now has.  Instead of welcoming a new baby, we will be...well, I have no idea.  Nothing special.  We will go about our normal lives and no one will even know about the excruciating pain I am feeling.

I am also dreading the coming of the end of May because that is when Andris will turn 16.  Just a few days after Mercy's due date, on May 29th, Andris will become unadoptable.  His new family finished their paperwork in record time and they are just waiting for a referral.  If that referral comes before Andris turns 16, then his age won't be an issue.  If not, then Andris will be sent from his orphanage to live in a transitional home.  If they do not receive a referral in the next 28 days, he will not be coming home.

This thought terrifies me.  The more I learn about orphans in Eastern Europe, the more I realize how bleak their futures are and how terrible their lives.  I have rested in the thought that because of Mercy's death, Andris was being saved from this existence.  If he does not get to come home, then what was the purpose of losing Mercy?  I can't believe that God would open doors, arrange meetings, and disable vehicles just to result in running out of time.  I have to trust that God has his perfect timing and loves Andris just as much as I do.  

Trusting

I think this is the new theme of my life. I am a planner and lately nothing has been going according to plan - at least not MY plan. If you remember, we were raising money to host Vilnis and Natalija. God had other plans. We were planning to take Andris to PA for Christmas. God knew that we needed to be at a Christmas Eve service in Denver, NC so that Andris could shake the hand of Scott Beierwalts. I love Andris and want him to be my son forever, but God has provided another family to adopt him.

While I have no doubt that it is the will of God for Scott and Katie Beirwalts to welcome Andris into their family as their son, that realization doesn't make the pain any less. I watched a scared and quiet boy begin to accept love. A boy who would hoard his belongings on the top of his dresser and stand guarded when anyone walked near, began to place his favorite yellow blanket on the arm of the couch and his toothbrush in the bathroom with the rest of the familys'. He began to trust. Finally, he began to love. He became a part of our family, and now he is gone. I put a huge part of my heart on a plane to Latvia and it is not God's plan for me to be the one to bring it back.

Not many people understand the extent of my sadness. After all, Andris was only here with us for 4 weeks, and we did accomplish what we set out to accomplish. It's time to celebrate, right? It feels a lot like when those people who have never had a miscarriage try to make you feel better by saying that God probably knew there was something wrong with the baby. Or, they make light of your pain by pointing out that at least the miscarriage happened early on in the pregnancy - like you love your baby any less just because she was younger. I love Andris like he is my own son. I am thrilled about the family that will be adopting him - I couldn't have hand picked better people for him. I am in awe at the way God orchestrated every detail of his visit here, and continues to work miracles in the adoption process. Still, in spite of everything my head knows, my heart is still aching. My couch is painfully empty. Our lives are forever changed.

Feels Like a Family

Since that first night at the airport, Andris has become a different child. Monday was one of the most difficult days I could ever imagine. Andris didn't understand much of anything I was trying to say to him and didn't seem to be making much of an effort to try. He didn't eat much and didn't want to do much of anything with the family. I was so emotionally exhausted when Frank got home from work. I really wanted to make Andris feel loved, and I didn't want to fail the whole purpose of him coming here.

Frank got home and started to get the Christmas tree out to put up. Andris had written in his bio that he would like to help decorate a Christmas tree, so we waited until he got here to put ours up. Slowly, as we arranged branches, Andris began to help. He started to smile a little bit and helped Lily hang her ornaments. Frank and I just sat back and watched as the kids began to interact with each other and complete the tree decorating.

Before bed, Frank brought out the Lego Toy Shop for the boys to start building. Andris happily joined in and we watched as Lego bricks broke the language barrier.

Tuesday morning came and it was time to take Andris to the dentist. We used google translate to explain what was going to happen as best we could. I was so nervous that he would have cavities and he would be in pain and it would hinder his ability to trust us. I prayed the entire way to the dentist that the Lord would heal every hole in his teeth and make his dental visit easy and comfortable. Amazingly, he had NO cavities. I think I was more proud to hear that than even if he had been my own son! While I was waiting with him in the exam room, he started to communicate with me just a little bit. On the way home, we dropped Frank off at work. Frank hugged each of the kids, including Andris, before he left the van. Andris' smile was beautiful!

At home, we had lunch and then went outside to play. Andris mentioned that he would like to play futbol. We searched for our soccer ball but couldn't find one so we loaded up in the van to go to WalMart. Andris didn't want to leave the store right away, but he was clearly overwhelmed by how much stuff was in the store. When we passed the shoe department, I helped him pick out a pair of shoes. He was so excited and grateful! When we got back to the van he told me thank you. From that moment on, he was a different child! He tried to talk with me, he played with the kids, and he had a constant smile on his face. We spent the rest of the afternoon outside playing soccer and playing on the playground.

After dinner, I used google translate to tell him that all of the kids were going to shower and get ready for bed. Then we would build some more of the Toy Shop. He took the computer and began to type. "Or I could show you things on the computer websites" was the translation. I figured this was just a ploy to get out of taking a shower, and in training they had told us not to let the kids on their "MySpace" equivalent websites. I couldn't tell him no though, he had finally started to open up and "talk" (type) to me. I handed over the computer and he went directly to this MySpace site. I didn't know what he wanted to do, but then he went to his picture gallery. He showed my pictures of his mom, dad, brother, and sisters. He told me all about where the all were and that his mom had died when he was 2 years old. What a heartbreaking story, and what a breakthrough! We sat close together for the next 2 hours as he showed us pictures of his teachers, friends, school, and his grades.

This has been such an amazing day! I can't wait to see how Andris fits in with our family. After only 2 days I can't imagine him ever not being here. The day he leaves is going to be the single most difficult day of my life.

Andris is here!

Wow! Where to even begin? We have spent the entire last week in a whirlwind. Thursday night was the WIC banquet and I was in charge of decorations, Friday night was Franklin's birthday party, Saturday was the girls' first dance recital, and finally Sunday was the day to pick up Andris at the airport!!!

Sunday evening came, and we loaded up the van with coats, snacks, and a welcome sign. We headed to the airport where we would wait for 2 hours for the flight to land. We talked with many other families who were also hosting children and had a good time despite the wait.

Finally we got word that the plane had landed! In that moment, I think I experienced every emotion possible. I teared up just thinking about how the time had finally come to meet Andris. I was scared and excited all at once! We made our way to the bottom of the escalators and saw the group of kids in red shirts stepping off of the steps. At first, I didn't see Andris and Frank ran off to chase a run-away Julia. Then, there he was. He was a lot shorter than we had expected and was wearing a hood that he was practically hiding in. He looked very scared. I gathered our family around and we welcomed him with hugs. At that moment I had no idea how we were going to make this quiet child a part of our family.

Final days before Andris

I am almost in tears typing this! We are $150 away from reaching our goal! I knew we would get there, I had a peace that God would provide - still, seeing it actually happen is amazing!

With one week before our deadline, we still owed $990 to make Andry's trip possible. It seemed like such a daunting amount to raise in only one week. The day before our deadline we still had not received any extra donations, our balance of $990 was still staring us in the face. I called the office for a final total to write a check ourselves. I had no idea where we would come up with the money, but knew that God would work it out somehow. I then left to take the kids out for a milkshake. We had been cooped up in the house for quite a while and I knew that they were feeling some tension from me, therefore causing them to be antsy. During our drive, I received calls/texts from several people saying that they had just donated. We went grocery shopping, and while I was in the store the New Horizon's office called to tell me that we had so many donations come in at the last minute, they had worked it out so that they could extend our deadline to December 4th to allow time for more donations to be made! When I checked our account that evening, $550 had been donated since we left the house!!! Since that time, we have received over $200 more! God's ways are mysterious, I know He could have helped us raise all of the money a month ago, but He didn't choose to. I guess we just needed an amazing lesson in trust and faith.

Not where I thought I was...

So, I guess I'm not very good at dealing with my true feelings. Over the past month and a half I thought I was dealing with everything pretty well. It hurt, but I was ok. I realize now that I have thrown my energy at everything I possibly could. I haven't let my mind slow down to actually experience the pain. I have learned a lot and grown up a lot, but I'm not over the pain at all. I don't think I've even begun to get over the pain.

A quote that really hit home

"An evidence that our will has been broken is that we begin to thank God for what once seemed so bitter." ~ Nancy Leigh DeMoss

One Month

Today marks one month from the day we lost our sweet Mercy. My biggest fear was that I was going to miss the lesson that I was supposed to have learned from my miscarriage and have my baby's death be in vain. I'm not sure if I've learned one specific lesson (yet), but my faith has grown in ways I never could have imagined. God was able to sustain me through one of the worst trials of my life. I felt the pain, and still do, but through it all I am able to put my trust in God. This is nothing short of a miracle - it is nothing that I have done myself. I know that in my human state, blaming God and becoming bitter would be the easiest things to do. Surprisingly though, God has held me close and kept me from those feelings. He has given me a renewed vision of who He is.

A day or so after my miscarriage I saw a post on facebook about an orphan hosting program. Orphan hosting is something that I have been interested in for a while, but never pursued. This time, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the pictures. I was a mother who was missing a child, and these were children who were missing a mother. It just seemed to fit. After looking into the program I found that it was very expensive to host an orphan. Feeling disappointed, I talked with Frank and decided to attend the informational meeting anyway with hopes of hosting this coming summer. I began to think that maybe my miscarriage had occurred so that we would be available to host this summer. The orphans were to arrive in the US very close to what would have been my due date. At the meeting, I gathered information and told the organizers of our desire to host in the summer. "We'd love to host for Christmas," I said " but we really need extra time to raise money. With that, I went home to relay what I had learned to Frank.

Several days later, I received an email from the director of the program. She had picked 21 children whom she believed REALLY needed to be hosted this Christmas. Frank and I both looked through the descriptions and photos and didn't say much to each other about it. The next night we found ourselves looking through the photos yet again. At the same time we both looked at each other and said, "We need to do this!" In the next few minutes, we realized that we were both feeling called to host the same sibling group, Vilnis and Natalija. Along with this realization came the realization that we had 45 days to raise $6000. Despite how impossible that sounded, we both had a peace that if God wanted us to host these children, he would somehow provide the funds.

Over the next 2 weeks we sent out letters, talked with our church, and called local businesses about fundraisers. Things weren't looking too promising. We had a few days left to raise $1100, and the jar on our mantle holding funds for "the kids", as our children now fondly referred to them, was holding a mere $113.00. We went to bed that night rather discouraged, and Frank prayed that the Lord would make clear to us what we should do. The next morning Vilnis and Natalija were on the list of children with a scholarship! Someone had donated $1500 toward their hosting! We were so thrilled, and I began to call our coordinator to put them on hold. I tried calling several times that day before and after lunch, on the way to dance, and during dance class. When I got home and looked at the children's pictures again, Vilnis and Natalija had been placed on hold. I was SO very disappointed. I spent the next few hours crying and praying. It was amazing how attached I had gotten to just the picture of those children. When Frank got home I watched him go through the same process. We were essentially in mourning. It may sound silly, but losing the opportunity to host those children was devastating!

Throughout the next few days we looked through the pages of children's faces. Though we wanted to help, we didn't feel the same for any of them that we had for Vilnis and Natalija. We felt confused about what direction we should take. What was God trying to teach us in all of this? Obviously it wasn't his will for us to host Vilnis and Natalija, but what WAS His will?

The first child that stood out to us was one of a 14 year old boy. He also had a $1000 scholarship that would help out immensely. We inquired about Slavic, and the director told us that he was a great boy but he might go through nicotene withdrawal. We weren't expecting that at all, and the thought scared us off. We began to search for younger children. After all, what did we know about taking care of and entertaining a teenager?? I found several possibilities, but as Frank and I talked about it, we watched the words "ON HOLD" show up under each child - immediately after we would start discussing them. We went to bed with about 7 different face swimming in our minds.

The next day was busy, and I didn't get to check the listing until 2:00 that afternoon. EVERY single child that we had even remotely considered as a possibility had been put on hold except for Slavic. In my inbox, I had an email from the director, "Could she help us in any way?" I emailed her back that she should put Slavic on hold for us. I felt that God was trying to tell us to trust Him and not run from what we saw as a difficult situation.

Later on that evening, I found another email in my inbox. There was another family interested in not only hosting Slavic, but also adopting him. Because of my age, we would not have been eligible to adopt a 14 year old, so the director was wondering if we would mind if the other family hosted Slavic. She did have another suggestion for us though. Andry was a 15 year old who liked kids, animals, and wanted to decorate a Christmas tree. At this point, we felt that we were just following the Lord's lead. It wasn't about which child we felt we were equipped to handle, it was about which child He thought belonged with us. We accepted the director's recommendation and Andry is now "ON HOLD" for the Aiken family! We really couldn't be more excited! In her most recent email, the director wrote, "God does use all things for His good. We will choose to trust that He is in control of this placement, too. Thank you so much for trusting Him." And now we will trust Him to provide for Andry's travel and document expenses. One month to go!

So, one month from Mercy's death, and I have had my faith tested several more times. I don't know what is in store for us, but I feel so much stronger in my relationship with Christ that I'm sure He will be there to help me handle it!

Perfect Timing

One of the mornings after my miscarriage I was sorting things out in my mind and talking in my head to God. "God, I know that this was your will, but it was going to be so great! I've always wanted to have a baby in May, and Mandy (my best friend) is pregnant at the same time. It's something we'd always talked about. It was just such perfect timing!" I felt God's response so clearly that it almost echoed in the bathroom where I was getting ready. "My plans for you are perfect, not your own." Even though it's hard to accept, it's so true! It doesn't make the pain any less, but it does somehow make the loss easier to accept. My God has a plan in this - it's not something that I understand yet, but I will. I may never know the exact reason, but whatever it is, I can rest in the fact that it's a perfect one.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Why Mercy?

Throughout my next few blog posts you're going to hear me say that God told me things. I have to admit to being a skeptic up until this point. I know that God speaks in a still small voice. I've always gone to him and prayed that He would help me make good decisions. Still, I've never had God specifically, almost audibly, tell me things until these past few weeks.

When I first thought that I was miscarrying, I called my midwife to ask questions and talk about what was happening. When I described my symptoms, she told me that what I was currently experiencing would definitely get more intense and more painful before it was all over. I waited for two days for this intense pain to begin, then realized that the worst was definitely over and the physical pain and difficult time that I had been expecting wasn't going to come. At that time I though, "I am so grateful that God showed me mercy in my time of sorrow." He provided relief from physical suffering when I was so overcome with emotional pain that I didn't know how I would handle anything more.

Mercy was again brought to my attention in a song. God often speaks to my heart with music, and this time He used "Blessing" by Laura Story. The first line of the song says

"We pray for blessings, We pray for peace."

Peace was the first thing that I had thought to pray for, so it caught my attention and I began to listen to the rest of the words.

"What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise"

I'm still unraveling what this means to me, but I began to wonder - Is this really an event that I can be thankful for? Is God's compassion being manifested in what I now see as such an awful event? I definitely do have a thirst for things beyond this life that I never had before. I have a child in heaven that I am so excited to one day meet. That thought alone makes heaven feel so much closer and God seem so much more real in my life.

I began to search for a gender neutral name that meant "mercy" or "merciful". One of my first points of sadness when contemplating my miscarriage was that I would never be able to know if my baby was a boy or a girl. How could I connect with and name a baby when I didn't even know the gender? One evening I was kind of talking to myself in my head (yes, I do that a lot when Frank isn't home in the evenings) and I referred to the baby as "she". I stopped in my tracks...thoughts?...and I almost heard God tell me out loud that my baby was a girl. Since then, I have referred to the baby in my own thoughts as 'Mercy'. Then, in church this morning we sang "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and it solidified the name choice in my mind.

"Streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise."

It may seem like a stretch or a bit silly, but I felt like God was letting me know that he remembered my little girl and that His mercy that I felt at the time of my miscarriage wasn't a single event, but an ongoing stream that I can always count on and praise Him for.

Mercy

Psalm 145:9
The Lord is good to all, And His tender mercies are over all His works.

It's not always easy to understand why God allows us to go through trials. I was expecting our 5th child, and two weeks ago we lost the baby. The flood of emotions that came over me the first few hours after realizing that I was miscarrying was overwhelming. It was so fast, powerful, and hurtful that I can't really even begin to put it into words. I was drowning in feelings of confusion, guilt, and isolation. I was losing a child that I hadn't even begun to get to know. This child that I was supposed to be taking care of and giving a safe home to hadn't lived more than 7 weeks. What had I done wrong? I slept through two days trying to avoid the pain, but as I laid in bed I prayed. At first I didn't even know what to pray for, I was just in silent communication with God. Then, I started praying for peace. When I first felt the peace that I was looking for, I thought that I had this peace because my baby was going to be okay. In reality, I experienced "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding". Despite the fact that my baby had died, I still felt at peace. This is not to say that I was happy or even that I wasn't devastated beyond belief, just that the peace of God transcended my deepest pain and sorrow.

Over time, I hope to share what God has been doing in my heart and life as a result of our loss. For now though, I would like to memorialize my sweet little baby.

Mercy Amanda Aiken
October 1, 2011
Her life was brief, but the effect was beautiful.